I can't drive fifty-five

Wir fahr'n fahr'n fahr'n auf der Autobahn
Vor uns liegt ein weites tal
Die sonne scheint mit glitzerstrahl
Die fahrbahn ist ein graues band
Weisse streifen, gruener rand
Jetzt schalten wir das radio an
Aus dem lautsprecher klingt es dann:
Wir fahr'n auf der Autobahn...

We are driving on the Autobahn
In front of us is a wide valley
The sun is shining with glittering rays
The driving strip is a grey track
White stripes, green edge
We are switching the radio on
From the speaker it sounds:
We are driving on the Autobahn (Kraftwerk)

In 2004, the motor vehicle fatality rate in Germany was 5,844. The population of Germany is 82,431,390. That's .007 deaths per person, or 7 per 1,000. According to the U.S. Department of Transportation's National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, 42,800 people ate it last year on our highways. The population here is 295,734,134, which makes our motor vehicle death rate .014, or just over one death per 100 people. I'm no math wiz, but I'm pretty sure that's almost 5 times the amount of German deaths. What are we doing wrong here? You'll hear my rant soon enough.

I have always loved to speed. I think I'm a good driver, and my accident record consists of one snowstorm-related fender bender when I was 18. One of my goals to reach before I die is renting an expensive luxury sportscar that goes very fast and driving on the Autobahn. I have wanted to do this for about twenty years now, and I have every intention of reaching this goal. Since one of my other goals is to snowboard in the Alps, preferably at Innsbruck, perhaps I can kill two birds with one stone (ew, now that I'm a bird mother I don't like that expression anymore) and manage to drive fast and ride fast on the same vacation. Anyhow, I've read alot about the Autobahn, and the coolest thing about it is the fact that you do not, under any circumstances, park your slow ass in the left lane and camp out like the idiot drivers do here in the U.S.  A quote from someone driving on the Autobahn for the first time: "A black Mercedes appears in my rear-view mirror. It wasn't there when I looked a second ago, and now it's bearing down on me with great vigor. An angry flash of headlights - it's almost on my rear bumper! I swerve frantically into the right lane and the black beast accelerates past me as if I were standing still, leaving swirling exhaust fumes and a turbo whine in the air. I glance at my speedometer: It reads 180 km/h - 113 miles per hour."

Now that is some serious passing. I have a dream -- of the perfect road sign, placed every mile on the left side of every highway in America, "UNLESS PASSING, MOVE RIGHT UNDER PENALTY OF FINE."
 
AAA of Southern California's website says, "Driving slowly in the left lane: If you are in the left lane and someone wants to pass, move over and let them by. You may be "in the right" because you are traveling at the speed limit — but you may also be putting yourself in danger by making drivers behind you angry. In many states and provinces the law requires you to travel in the right lane and use the far left lane only for passing. Besides, it's simple courtesy to move over and let other drivers by." Hear that, slowpoke in the left lane?

In Illinois, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Arkansas, Montana, New Jersey, Utah, South Carolina, Texas, Alabama, and most recently, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Florida, Michigan, and Colorado all made left lane camping illegal. And new laws are pending in Louisiana, Minnesota, Washington. They'll ticket your for going 75 m.p.h. but they won't ticket the idiot blocking up the fast lane. I have never seen anyone get pulled over for this offense. Have you? Here's a chart showing each state's left lane law, although when I wrote to the guy whose site it's posted on at the MIT website and asked him how recently he updated it, he said, "I wrote the page. I try to keep the list up to date but it is possible that I may miss some changes in the law. I put more effort into tracking speed law changes compared to lane use law. --John Carr (jfc@mit.edu)." This chart will give you an idea of the high number of states which supposedly support this left lane fast, right lane slow concept. Now if they'd only start enforcing this law.

Research and documentaries have pointed out that one of the reasons theAutobahn has a such a far lower accident rate than the U.S. interstates is because the left lane law is strictly enforced. In 1973, the Germans passed a speed-limit law of 100 km/h (60 mph) on the autobahn. They had more accidents with the lower speeds and the law was repealed within four months. It's not speeding that's dangerous, it's the left lane dwelling, Sunday-driving dolt who incites road rage in the aggro speeders, who start the dodge-and-weave game, causing other drivers to suddenly brake as road rager goes crazy in an all-out alpha dog attempt to get ahead of the pack, weaving from right lane to middle lane to left lane to middle lane and on and on and on. I saw this uptight-looking bitch in a Lexus SUV doing this very thing recently. She dodged and wove for 20 miles, making no more progress than I, stuck in the left lane behind lots of slowish drivers. When she started her little tailgating routine behind me, I tapped my brakes and gave her a hand gesture to let her know she'd better back off my bumper. How I hate drivers like her. So dangerous! And it's pointless if the traffic is heavy, so why bother risking everyone's safety? I try not to pass on the right, but sometimes it's simply unavoidable if the left lane loser refuses to budge. And when I do pass on the right, I make a big point of staring at the sluggish dummy and giving my worst stinkeye as I beam psychic messages to them. "You suck!" "Move over!" "Did you get your license at Wal-Mart?" But being morons, these left laners probably don't even realize that they're in the wrong, much less breaking the law. They're probably harboring self-righteous thoughts like, "Well, I am going the speed limit, so I don't care if I'm blocking three miles of traffic. I'm the law-abiding goody two shoes, and I'm right." I'm contemplating whipping out a Sharpie and making some signs, like old-fashioned flash-cards to present my message to them in a clear, easy-to-read manner. Or maybe I'll just buy this flip-book of driving insults. So funny!

Maybe we need a massive educational campaign here in the U.S. on how to drive. Obviously driver's ed isn't working quite the way it is in Germnay. I would be happy to volunteer as the director, too. I even have the name of my campaign already chosen: LEFT LANE FAST, RIGHT LANE SLOW. I picture this phrase on stickers plastered across the bumpers of cars coast to coast. Not exactly as lofty a goal as driving the Autobahn or snowboarding the Alps, but it sure would be a pleasure to drive in the fast lane the way I'd like to.